


Houseguest from Hell

by CaptainSwanLuver



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-11 01:55:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10452378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainSwanLuver/pseuds/CaptainSwanLuver
Summary: Wish Realm Hook sneaks through the portal and ends up in Storybrooke.  This results in Emma and Killian getting an unwelcome houseguest and Emma an unwanted suitor.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I just thought it would be funny if Wish Realm Hook ended up in Storybrooke and met his counterpart, while stirring up some trouble. This is the result. Hope you enjoy it! ~Steph

….Houseguest from Hell: Part 1/1…

Killian kicked the front door closed with his boot, as his lips remained fused to Emma’s.

“I missed you so much,” he breathed into her mouth.

Emma pulled back for a moment, caressing his cheek as she met his eyes. “After that portal closed, I was scared I might never find a way back to my family. Back to you.”

Killian offered her a smile. “I never doubted for a moment that you would find your way back to me.”

Emma grinned as she captured his lips again. She began to maneuver them to the couch.

“Henry is staying at Regina’s tonight, so we have the house to ourselves,” she managed to mumble between kisses.

Killian moved his lips to her neck. “I want to take my time with you. Let’s go to our bedroom.”

They didn’t stop kissing all the way up the stairs, nearly falling several times in the process. By the time they made it to the threshold of their bedroom, Emma’s jacket had been shed, as had Hook’s. Emma was hard at work on the buttons of his vest.

Killian wrapped his arms around Emma’s waist as he pulled her flush against his body and backed them into their bedroom. Emma felt the back of her legs hit the bed and she felt onto it, Killian landing gently on top of her. She clawed at his back, a moan escaping her lips. 

“Do you mind? I am trying to sleep,” a voice sounded behind them.

Emma and Killian’s eyes flew open and they quickly parted, scrambling to their feet to face the voice. Spread out on Killian’s side of the bed, was Wish Realm Hook. 

“Who in bloody hell are you?” Killian asked.

Emma sighed heavily, as she shook her head. “Take a closer look.”

Wish Realm Hook sat up and gave him a wide grin. “Don’t you recognize me, mate?”

Killian’s eyes grew wide. “It can’t be.” He gestured to him with his hook. “This is the fat, mad, drunk, old version of me from the wish realm?”

“Afraid so,” Emma said, squeezing her eyes closed.

“Who are you calling old?” Wish Realm Hook asked, clearly offended.

Killian chuckled. “That is the part you chose to take umbrage with?” He paused and then eyed him. “Are you wearing my nightclothes?”

Hook nodded, gesturing to the t-shirt and plaid flannel pants. “Such as they are.”

“How the hell did you get here?” Emma asked. 

He shrugged. “Well, I asked around town where Captain Hook lived and was told here. I used my hook to pick the lock and let myself in. It was rather simple.”

Emma rolled her eyes. “Not here in this house. Here in this world. In Storybrooke.”

“Ah,” he said, nodding, his gray hair flying back and forth. “I followed you to the portal. The wooden man child left it unattended before it closed, so I went through.”

Killian shook his head. “Well, you don’t belong in this world and you certainly don’t belong in our home or our bed. Remove yourself immediately.”

Wish Realm Hook didn’t move an inch. Instead, he crossed his arms over his chest and settled in against the pillows. He gestured to Killian with his hook and then looked at Emma.

“Why the devil would you prefer that version of myself?”

Emma had to bite her lip to keep from laughing. “You’re joking, right?”

Killian nodded. “He is clearly not in his right mind.”

“I am being quite serious and feeling rather sane today actually. He isn’t even dressed as a proper pirate. It’s a disgrace.”

Killian shook his head. “Perhaps that’s because I am no longer a pirate, mate.”

“Once a pirate, always a pirate,” he replied. He looked at Emma. “Love, we clearly shared a strong connection and an instant attraction back in my realm.”

Emma’s eyes widened. “I’m not sure what you’re remembering, but I knocked you unconscious with my magic.”

“You saved me from the wooden man child,” Hook replied. “I am eternally grateful. And now I’ve come to take my princess home with me.”

He stood up and walked around the bed. He held his hand out to Emma. Killian and Emma exchanged a look, before she shook her head.

“I’m not going anywhere with you. This is my home and Killian - this Captain Hook - is the man I love. He’s the only man for me.”

Killian slipped his hand into Emma’s and squeezed. Hook placed his hands on his hips.

“I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this, but you leave me no choice.” He met Killian’s gaze. “We shall duel at midnight tomorrow for possession of the princess.”

Killian let out a snort, as Emma held up a hand. “Whoa, whoa. First off, I am no one’s no possession. And, secondly, I just told you that I am with Killian.”

Hook shook his head. “Apologies, princess, but it is quite clear you do not understand the rules of a duel. Once a duel is issued, it must be followed through.”

Emma turned to Killian. “What are we going to do?”

Killian shrugged, unconcerned, and whispered in ear, “Don’t worry, love. I doubt he’ll remember this in the morning. It’s the rum talking.”

“If you say so.”

Killian turned to him. “Fine, we will duel at midnight tomorrow. Now if you’ll please vacate our home.”

“I’m afraid I haven’t anywhere else to go.”

“Granny’s is not far from here. She has rooms,” Killian said. 

Emma shook her head. “She hasn’t had any since the people from the Land of Untold Stories arrived in town.”

Killian shrugged. “It really isn’t our concern where he goes, Emma.”

Emma sighed. “We can’t just send him out into the cold night, Killian. He’ll freeze.”

Hook nodded. “Thank you, princess.”

“How about your ship? He can stay there tonight. After all, it is kind of his ship too.”

Killian’s eyes grew wide. “It is in no way his ship. Look at him! I wouldn’t trust him within 10 feet of my ship. He’d probably destroy it by morning.”

“Well, then we have no choice. We have to let him stay here tonight.”

“How about your parents’ loft?”

“They don’t have any room for him.”

“Regina’s? She has plenty of room.”

“She is dealing with the wish realm’s version of Robin returning. I don’t think she needs to deal with anyone else.” Emma sighed. “It’s just one night, Killian.”

Killian let out a breath. “Bloody hell. Fine.”

Hook grinned. “Thank you for your hospitality, princess.”

Killian held his hook up to him. “But if I see you come anywhere near Emma, the pirate in me is going to come back out to play.”

Hook laughed and patted him on the shoulder. “You are quite amusing.”

Emma pointed down the hall. “The guest bedroom is the first door on the right. Let me know if you need anything.”

“Thank you, love.”

Hook walked out of their bedroom and Killian immediately slammed the door closed and locked it.

“Now I see what you meant, Swan. No more rum for me.”

Emma smiled, as she came close to him and fingered the buttons on his vest. “Now where were we?”

Killian chuckled. “Love, you must be joking. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m no longer in the mood.”

Emma’s eyes grew wide and she cocked her head to the side. “Are you sure about that? Because I have another version of you right down the hall that I am sure would be more than happy to-...”

Killian’s lips came crashing into hers and he pushed her back onto the bed. He fell on top of her as Emma giggled. His voice was muffled against the skin of her neck. 

“On second thought…” he said.

Emma laughed, as she threaded her fingers into his hair.

…

Emma and Killian bolted upright in bed as the fire alarm began to blare. It was still dark out at 4:30 in the morning.

“What in bloody hell is that?”

“The fire alarm!”

They scrambled out of bed and hurried to the stairs. They could see smoke wafting from the kitchen and could smell it as they quickly made their way down the stairs.

As they came into the smoke-filled kitchen, they found Wish Realm Hook standing in front of the stove.

“What the devil are you doing?!” Killian screamed.

“Oh splendid, you’re up,” he said, turning to Emma. “Perhaps you could make this infernal ringing stop.”

She looked at the stove. He had placed logs of wood on top of the burner and set a fire beneath it. He had then placed a pot water on top.

Emma gestured to the stove. “That is the fire alarm ringing because of all of the smoke. What are you doing? It’s 4:30 in the morning.”

“I am preparing you a pirate’s breakfast to show my appreciation for your hospitality. Grapefruit and boiled mackerel.”

Killian licked at his lips hungrily, as Emma groaned and pushed him aside. She took the pot off the stove and placed it in the sink. She then waved her hand over the logs and the fire went out. Another wave and the smoke was gone from the kitchen.

“You’re bloody brilliant,” Wish Realm Hook said. “Shall we eat?”

Emma shook her head. “Are you crazy? It’s 4:30 in the morning!”

“I rise with the sun,” Hook replied.

“The sun isn’t even up yet,” she said through gritted teeth.

“Well, I woke early to catch the mackerel. I wanted to make sure the breakfast was prepared for you when you woke up. No need to thank me.”

Killian mumbled, “I don’t think you need to worry about that.”

Emma sighed heavily. “Look, today I am going to find a way to open up the portal so you can go back to where you belong.”

“Princess, if you do not wish to return to my realm with me, then I belong here with you.”

Emma rubbed at the bridge of her nose. “I already told you I am with Killian.”

“Aye, but we must still duel at midnight.”

Emma turned to Killian. “So much for not remembering.” She turned back to Hook. “Fine, you can duel. But no matter the outcome, I will never be yours,” she said.

Killian shrugged and whispered in her ear, “You needn’t worry, love. I have no intention of losing.”

Emma let out a soft groan.

…

Four hours later, Emma and Killian were dressed and ready for the day. She led Wish Realm Hook into the living room and pointed to the couch. 

“Listen to me very carefully. You are not to move from this couch until we return.”

“Love, I’m afraid I will grow rather bored.”

Emma handed him the remote control and turned on the TV. “You can watch this. These buttons change the channels.”

Hook stared at the TV in awe. “What is this magic box?”

Killian rolled his eyes, happy not to be the least modern one in the room for once. “It’s called a television.”

Hook gestured at the screen. “How did those people get in the magic box? Are they trapped?”

Emma shook her head. “They’re not in the magic box. They were filmed and then - look, nevermind. Just sit here and watch it.”

“As you wish,”

“That’s my line,” Killian grumbled, as he turned to Emma.. “Swan, are you certain we shouldn’t restrain him? I’d be more than happy to tie him up.” 

“I’m sure you would, but I’m hoping he’ll listen,” she replied.

She then took Killian’s hand in hers and dragged him to the front door.

“Don’t move!” she screamed over her shoulder, before slamming the door behind them.

…

Emma and Killian returned several hours later. They entered the living room, but found Wish Realm Hook to be nowhere in sight.

“Bloody hell!” Killian hollered. “I knew we should have tied him up!”

“Where is he?!” Emma asked, as Killian quickly searched the downstairs. 

Emma made a move toward the stairs and suddenly found herself standing in a large puddle of water. 

“What the hell?” she said.

Suddenly, Killian felt a drop of water hit his nose. He swatted at it with his hook. 

“What the devil is going on?”

They both looked up and saw a rapidly growing water stain on the ceiling. There was a steady drip of water falling from it.

“Damn it!” Emma screamed, as she and Killian raced up the stairs.

They quickly arrived at the guest bathroom. Emma turned the doorknob, but found it locked. Before she could use her magic to open it, Killian kicked the door down.

He grinned triumphantly as the door fell to the ground, landing in nearly six inches of water. The entire floor was covered in water and soap suds. Wish Realm Hook was lying in the overflowing bathtub, the water from the faucet still running. His head was lolled to the side and he was clearly passed out. A near empty bottle of rum sat on the edge of the tub. 

“You have got to be kidding me!” Emma yelled, as she and Killian waded through the water to the bathtub. 

Emma turned off the faucet, as Killian slapped Hook across the face. 

“Wake up, you mad, old bastard!”

Slowly, Hook began to stir. His eyes fluttered open and he rubbed at them roughly with his fist. He offered Emma a wide grin. 

“Princess, you’re home.”

Emma glared at him. “What about don’t move didn’t you understand?!”

“My muscles began to ache and so I thought perhaps a nice bath would help. This tub is lovely and the soap smells divine.”

Killian gestured to the room. “Can’t you see what you’ve done?”

“Apologies,” he said, with a shrug. “I shall clean it up.”

He began to stand, his big belly protruding out of the water. Before he revealed himself any further, Emma squeezed her eyes closed and pushed him back down by the shoulders. 

“Stop! Don’t move!” she ordered.

Hook grinned, showing his yellowed teeth. “Princess, you needn’t feel embarrassed at admiring my chiseled physique.”

“Bloody hell,” Killian muttered. “He truly is mad.”

Emma grabbed a towel and tossed it to him. “Wrap yourself in this.”

She then waved her hand several times and made the water disappear.

“Brilliant,” Hook said, as he stood and wrapped the towel around himself.

Emma tossed his clothes to him. “Get dressed,” she ordered.

…

Emma put Wish Realm Hook in the guest bedroom and put a spell on it so he wouldn’t be able to leave it for the rest of the day. She and Killian then went to Regina’s to work on finding a way to open the portal again. After a few hours, they finally came up with a solution. It was nearly midnight by the time they arrived home. 

Emma opened the door to the guest room and found Hook lying on the mattress. Her eyes widened in shock at what she saw. The comforter and sheets had been shredded.

“What did you do?” she asked. 

“Ah, princess. I was going to make you a gift, but I’m afraid I dozed off before I could finish.”

“What in bloody hell was it going to be?” Killian asked. 

“I was going to weave you a cloth basket, as I know you like to gather flowers in the woods,” Hook said.

Emma rolled her eyes. “That was the wish realm version of me.”

Hook looked at the ruined bedding. “Apologies.”

Emma sighed heavily and then gestured to him. “Come on, let’s go,” she said.

He stood up. “Aye, it is nearly time for our duel,” he replied, looking at Killian.

“Sorry, old man. But your time is up,” Killian responded.

“We found a way to open the portal, so it’s time to go home,” Emma added.

Hook nodded. “Very well. I will do as you wish, but I refuse to go before our duel.” He met Killian’s gaze, “You are a pirate. You know it is bad form not to follow through when one is challenged to a duel. I understand if you are frightened. It is nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I am no such thing!” Killian snarled. “Fine, we will duel. Let’s go. We shall duel on my ship.”

“Our ship,” he corrected.

Killian’s jaw clenched, but he said nothing.

Emma sighed. “Two macho pirates. Great.”

….

All three arrived at the Jolly Roger at midnight. When they boarded, they found David already aboard.

“What are you doing here, mate?” Killian asked.

David was staring slack-jawed at Wish Realm Hook. “I heard the wish realm version of you was here and I just had to see for myself.” He turned to Emma. “Sweetheart, you didn’t do him justice.”

Hook looked at David and smiled. “Thank you, your majesty.”

Killian rolled his eyes. “Let’s get on with it.”

Emma and David moved to the side. The two men stood before each other and drew their swords.

Killian was stone cold sober. But Wish Realm Hook, who, on the way there, had begun to grow scared at the thought of fighting a younger, fitter version of himself, had turned to rum in hopes of gaining some liquid courage.

He wobbled back and forth as he jabbed his sword out towards Killian haphazardly. Killian rolled his eyes, easily sidestepping his every move. Killian brought the point of his sword to Hook’s ample belly and poked it. 

“You are out of your element,” he said.

Hook swatted the sword away from him and came charging at Killian, sword drawn. 

“AHHHH!” he screamed. 

Killian moved to the side and Hook’s sword ended up stuck in the wood on the side of the ship. He struggled to remove it, as Emma, Killian, and David stifled laughs. He finally planted one foot on the wood and pulled it free. Hook blew his hair out of his eyes and turned back to Killian. He stumbled towards him, sword drawn again. He charged at him a second time. Killian didn’t even raise his sword. He casually moved aside and Hook was propelled toward the side of the ship. This time, his sword didn’t become stuck in the wood, but he couldn’t stop himself in time and ended up going headfirst overboard.

David, Emma, and Killian’s eyes widened, as they heard him scream and land in the water with a splash. They hurried to the side of the ship and saw him flailing about in the water.

He gave them a thumbs. “You needn’t worry. I’m perfectly fine.”

“There’s no way he’s sober enough to make it to shore,” Emma said.

“I suppose it would be less than heroic to allow him to drown,” Killian muttered.

David chuckled as he slapped him on the back. “Such is the life of a hero, mate.” 

They eventually made their way off the ship and, together, rescued Wish Realm Hook.

…

The following morning, Emma, Killian, and Wish Realm Hook stood in front of the tree where the portal had opened. 

Hook turned to Emma. “I’m afraid I must bid you goodbye, princess. Fear not, I will treasure our time together always.”

He leaned forward to kiss her on the lips, but Emma turned her head so his mouth landed on her cheek.

Killian cleared his throat loudly, as he clenched his fist. 

Hook turned toward him, holding out his hand. “No hard feelings, mate. The better man may not have won, but such is life.” He paused and glanced at Emma, then met Killian’s eyes. “I hope you know how fortunate you are.”

Killian nodded, meeting Emma’s gaze, before shaking his hand. “That I do.”

With a wave, Wish Realm Hook then stepped through the portal and disappeared.

Emma came to stand before Killian, wrapping her arms around his neck. “You know, he might be my favorite version of you I’ve ever met.”

“You can’t be serious, love. He broke into our home, nearly burned it down, flooded it, and destroyed the bedding in the guest room. He is the very definition of a houseguest from hell.”

Emma shrugged. “True, but at least he was entertaining.”

Killian brought his lips close to hers. “Let’s go home and I’ll show you entertaining.”

He then placed a kiss to her lips, stifling her giggles.

…THE END…  
Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. I’d appreciate hearing what you thought. ~Steph


End file.
